Being ignorance

Sometimes, I wish that I'm an ignorance. Because you know what, those who we care the most are the ones who will hurt us way painful than those common people. 

We tend to expect to be taken care back, or loved back by the ones we love or care. But the reality is not always like what we've expected. The gap between the reality and expectation is just hurt.

Oh well, probably we shouldn't have that expectation. Love without hoping to be loved back, and care without hoping back to be cared back; or just being the ignorance...

*Sunday night madness

*I don't know what's wrong with me

*random thought

Oh, red velvet!

So craving for this sweet. This is like de ja vu, at my last typhoid fever, I also craved for this, and get one after I've recovered. I hope someone just be kind to send me one.. *berkhayal* 

Oh well, why am I so random tonight...? *jedang*

I swear I lived

The sign

Enough is enough..

When you've tried hard on something, but all the efforts seems won't work. I think I'd better stop. I'm not giving up, I just feel that I've had enough. 

Yeah..my heart finally said; 'enough is enough'.

Let's go change the direction..

The home..

Sendu..

Strolling around Yogya city always brings back my childhood memories.

Those happiness, laugh, sadness, tears comes along with every corner of the city.

The city has taught me a lot about letting go after losing and accepting new great things.

Though leaving the city back then was a start of our new lives, Yogya is always be my home...

Aaahhh syediihhh...-:(

Mencintaimu, harus menjadi aku...

I just love this poem, it's just so deep..❤️

"You've never known how much I love you, but I belive that I am the one who loves you the most. 

I love you, you know I have, I do, and I'll always...loved, love, and love you.."

~me to you [who I haven't had any idea about who are you...]

*g word banget dah ini gueee* *keselek* *agak kesambet juga kayaknya*

Just don't be sad

Lately, I have read a facebook post of a friend yang isinya kira-kira gini, 'ketika amalmu tidak juga bertambah, Allah SWT akan memberikan kesedihan, (if I'm not mistaken) sebagai pengganti amal'. Well, nggak persis gitu sih redaksinya, tapi kira- maknanya begitu. Yet, aku juga lupa itu hadist apa, but as I remember itu adalah hadist, yang mana I have no idea juga itu sahih ato nggak hadistnya *toyor kepala sendiri*.  Tulisan itu, even cuma dibaca sekilas waktu iseng buka fb, tetep nancep soalnya at that time I just feel so sad.  Seminggu ini, eh lebih sih, hati dan perasaan sedang kacau gundah gulana gegara sakit (dih, harusnya orang sakit mah hepi yak biar cepet sembuh). Cuma yang ada tetep aja kepikiran, setres sendiri, lebih ke parno sih sebenernya. Belum lagi ndilalahnya kok ya Rabu kemaren Mbak Tyas operasi telinga karena ada polip, yang mana operasinya makan waktu kurang lebih 6 jam. Beuuuh...nunggunya setres, kebayang dong how's my feeling at that time, gundah gulali, sedih to the max. Makanya sempet kepikir, 'did I do something wrong back then?', or 'have I do a good deed lately?', or ' is this a punishment because I'm not a good enough in wordshiping Allah SWT?'. Iye tau, sumpah lebay banget dah pikirannya *maklum drama queen*. 

Tapi spmehow, this thing beneran bikin mikir kalau, that in the next days, I have to do more good deeds, so that I can get Allah' ridha. Nggak cuma itu aja sih, segala sakit dan sedih ini beneran berasa titik balik yang menekan tombol-tombol kesadaran untuk bisa jaga badan better. Beneran nggak mau lagi deh untuk sakit yang 'agak serius' macem gini. Selain menguras hati juga menguras dompet, padahal gaji dipotong gegara gag masuk lama *dih curhat*. Oh ya, satu lagi, so true ya, kalo most of time kita lupa bersyukur, how great our life is now, until Allah test us by taking somepart of ours. Ya macem, cuma diambil sehatnya dikit, baru berasa sedih dan sayang bener sama badan *kemaren2 kemana neng?*, atau pas lagi sedih nunggu mbak Tyas operasi dan jadi parno kepikiran macem-macem, baru kepikir kalo I have more than enough, surrounded by lovely people as my family is more than enough, and I shouldn't ask for more. 

Oh well, human, we're never satisfy, aren't we? That's so human, but don't forget to be grateful of what you've already had *sok wise, eciyeeee*.

La Tahzan InnAllaha Ma'ana

Don't be sad. Allah is with us.

(9:40)

Friday Spirit

To fail..
To fall...

To be broken...
To be down...

Those are common, kind of colourful life which make you excited more to this life..
Hey, colourful wont make us boring right?-:D
What is not common is when we could raise again after falling, stand taller, and stronger than before.

Just enjoy our process... every second of our lives..coz the most important thing is what we become after the difficulties...

"Verily, with every difficulty there is relief. Verily, with every difficulty there is relief" (QS 94:5-6)

picture creditted to: Ajeng

the G word!

Have ever heard 'galau' word? Do you know the meaning, or have you ever used that kind of word in your sentence?

Me? I dont know the exact meaning of it, but Ive used that word many times, spoken and written.

For me, galau is unstable feeling that turns to mellow, mostly it's caused by 'love term'.

And for me [again], galau is reading 'his time line' who was so happy for tonight ocassion and ended up with me opened all his time line, that brought much more 'galau' feeling in me...

Well okay...this unimportant writing is just to relive what I feel inside...

I do feel so unstable today...-:(

Out of nowhere,just wanted to use different eyeshadow colour.. Though that bright colour would never match to my lil' eyes..but it's not bad kaan ya? Isn't it? *gag yakin-:p

I miss my smile

It sounds really weird. But surely, I miss my own smile..

Dear myself, please smile...! Daijoubu da yo..

True love

My 'step' sensei

I don't mean to be mean by calling one of my Professor as my 'step' sensei. He is the Prof of the next lab actually, but he also the man in charge of my international program, Human Security. So I have two Professors here, first is my Professor, himself, the head of my lab who also take a role as my first thesis supervisor. And the second is my 'step' sensei as I mentioned before, my second thesis supervisor. Both are kind to me, but when it comes to the 'study things', my step sensei is just so frightening, huaaa.... I always feel that Im the dumbest person in the world *drama queen* after I discuss with him. And it's just like what I feel now, I feel like I want to drown my head in the ground, feel nothing and useless. Ooooh, am I really that dumb?

Though I do understand what have he done is for my own best, but it's still feel so irritating. Like always, I need much time to find my feet again after talking to him. It 's just like now, seems that I just need some extra good sleep, and next I will face the mess to fix it.

Ganbarimasu...keep on learning, coz life is a never ending learning, right? *mencoba senyum2

My spirit

Now is such a harsh time, and I almost loose my faith.

Uncoincidenly heard this song from my playlist, and It just reminds me, that Allah the Almighty will always be there for me, taking care of me, and never let me down.

Insha Allah, I will find my way...

Amiin...

Allah is with me, and there would be no stuck way...

courtessy of www.youtube.com via @awakeningrecords

Feel so sorry

This morning (errr, not really morning actually, since I went to bad after I did my Subuh pray, ouch!), I woke up because a text alerted my mobile. The text was asking whether I am able or not doing something (I could not figure out the detail, my apalogy). Since the first I got the text, I keep thinking on the request, but still it ended up with my objection. Thus, I say sorry since I can't make it.

Well it's ok then, it ends right there, the requester understood, but it's just me who feels uncomfortable becuse I said no. Whoaa...and this feeling is like killing me now...-:((

Being alone..

Never thought that living here will be so difficult. Pertama kali 'tau' kalo my nexy

destination adalah Sendai,temen2 baik saya di Malang sempat mengkhawatirkan saya. MomDad mo,begitu tau dng 'siapa' saya akan 'menghabiskan' banyak waktu nanti di Sendai. Even me at that time too,tapi gag tau knp,Im so optimistic that everything is gonna be okay.

At first,there's no complain,tapi lately..I have many. Entah saya yang jadi lebih sensitif atau emang saya yang udah beneran 'fed up'. And now I know what is loneliness.

Somehow,this loneliness is killing me,but somehow..it's making me realized that...I'll never be alone..Allah is there..always be there and guiding me...

Location:Sendai,Japan

Miss parno

Satu pengakuan yang mau saya tulis di sini. Saya ini parno-an alias paranoid kalau ada orang2 yang saya sayang jauh dari saya, tapi karena saya sekarang emang lagi jauh banget dari mereka (in distance term), jadi lebih tepatnya saya parno kalo mereka sedang tidak di rumah, whic is tempat teraman menurut saya. Jadi kalau salah satu dari MomDadMbDek ada yg mau pergi pasti saya kepikiran geje. Kalau mereka sedang dalam perjalanan (jalan darat), bisa dipastikan sms/telepon saya pasti akan memborbardir mereka untuk sekedar bertanya: udah sampai mana? Sangat nggak penting dan ganggu banget.

Rasa ini menyergap lagi mulai beberapa minggu yang lalu, setelah saya menyadari waktu keberangkatan MomDan semakin dekat. Dan hari Kamis kemarin, semakin menjadi karena beliau berdua akan berangkat Jumat pagi. Kacau, kepikiran, parno, campur aduk nggak jelas. Saya curhat ke beberapa teman dekat tentang apa yg saya rasa dengan maksut untuk sedikit membuat plong, ternyata memang nggak semua orang 'mengerti' apa yang saya rasa *yaiyalah parno mau dingertiin*. Jadi advice seperti 'udah nggak apa2, doain aja' rasanya nggak mempan. Tetep aja saya nggak tenang. Saya baru tenang, kalau saya ada bersama mereka. Analisa saya sih, saya terlalu sayang sama mereka semua dan sangat takut kehilangan which in the end jadi bikin saya parnoan. Well I do know, our beloved ones itu titipan Allah, tapi membayangkan untuk kehilangan mereka aja udah bikin saya sangat amat tidak nyaman.

Dan out of nowhere, sekarang saya malah kepikiran sama Star Wars episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. Saya inget banget di episode ini Master Yoda bilang: ' A fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.' Ada yang udah nonton episode ini? Kalau dah nonton pasti ngeh banget dengan kata2nya Master Yoda ini. Intinya sih, ketakutan Anakin Skywalker kehilangan istrinya, Padme Amidala, membuat dia dekat dengan 'Dark Force'. Karena si Dark Lord mempengaruhi dia kalau Dark Force bisa mencegah kematian meaning mereka abadi *e, gue jadi inget Voldemort juga inih*, yang in the end bisa menjaga orang2 yang mereka sayang jadi immortal juga. Di akhir pilem Anakin beneran kebawa ke Dark Force dan ngebunuhin semua orang tak berdosa buat ngumpulin 'dark force' di dalem dirinya dan dia berubah jadi Dart Vader, tangan kanannya Dark Lord *episod ini sedih bener dah*.

Wew, segitu dahsyatnya ya kekuatan 'ketakutan akan kehilangan' kalo nggak under good control. Mungkin saya harus lebih belajar ikhlas dalam menjalani hidup ini, meskipun saya juga sangat sangat berdoa supaya Allah selalu menjaga orang2 tercinta saya.

Dimana semangat?

Baca postingan uni Mima di sini membuat saya 'maknyes'. Dunno why, lately beneran kehilangan yang namanya semangat buat ganbarimasu. Berawal dari thesis yang masih belum oke dan sangat sukses diuyel-uyel sensei. Hal ini diperburuk dng sifat saya yang 'sok' perfecto, jadi maunya macem2 dan kepikiran harus gini dan gitu. Sayangnya, banyak limitation buat jadi perfect ini, misalnya: saya nggak bisa balik lagi ke Indo buat ngelengkapin data yang masih kurang. Akhirnya waktu masih mikir dan berusaha bikin plan untuk mulai ngebenerin dari mana udah keburu mentok, duh! Ending up dengan saya yang bener2 kehilangan semangat, gag tau mesti ngapain, dan mulai setres, huh!

Semoga 'gelap' ini segera berganti 'terang' dilengkapi dengan bunga-bunga yang bermekaran...

Amiiinnn

*tolong yang baca bantu doa ya...Arigatou nee...

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Malem ini saya random abis. Antara stress karena report buat Senin belum jadi; excited karena besok sepertinya bakalan jadi hari yang 'fun'; melo karena mikirin sesuatu, lebih tepatnya seseorang *eh?*; laper karena belum having a dinner; yang ends up dengan saya yang gag jelas gini mau ngapain. Harusnya cepetan beresin report-nya, tapi masih kebanyakan 'ngono-ngene' karena feel-nya belum dapet *excuse*; mending tidur, eh..kepikiran report; mau makan, eh..keburu udah malem. Duh, kalo lagi random gini beneran gag jelas maunya apa *sigh*.

Too many thoughts in my head have distrated me...

Just like these crayons...