Out of nowhere,just wanted to use different eyeshadow colour.. Though that bright colour would never match to my lil' eyes..but it's not bad kaan ya? Isn't it? *gag yakin-:p

I miss my smile

It sounds really weird. But surely, I miss my own smile..

Dear myself, please smile...! Daijoubu da yo..

Agaaaiiin!

I just said to my self last Sunday: 'I really loose my taste in shopping'. But,since I go to a mall around Sendai
Eki to do my Ashar pray, I saw a cute dress there,and I bought it -___-. It's really unintentionally #pembelaan.

But yesterday,after a class in Aobayama, I intentionally go to GAP,because of its summer sale..voila! I guess my taste in shopping has already back! LOL..

Look at my shoes!

Well, I just want to say: I loooovee my purple flat shoes..it's cute..right?-:D

It's a gift from Deffi senpai,arigatou nee..

True love

Tears-:(

I just couldn't hold my tears when I saw this video...

Call me over or such a drama queen, but it's just so sad... This video has just brought back my memories when I experienced the March 11 earthquake. Those nights at the evacuation center, lack of food, feel so uncertain what shoul we do tommorow, and when will this condition going to be normal.

But, what made me more sad was when I realized that I am still more lucky than them, the victims. How many nights should they spend in the evacuation center? They are even still staying at the evacuation center until now. How they lose their familes, their house, everything. And for the people around Sendai city who experienced the effect of the disaster. The food supply was limited, so they have to queue for almost 2 weeks, and no heater.. (at that time was still winter). And also the Fukushima problem. Ya Allah, I could even hold my tears just to figure this out.

Nowdays, everytime I meet Japanese people here, at Sendai, I kinda have some question, how do you feel at that time, how do you survive, and realize that how amazing you are. Since, when I got back to Sendai, after been evacuated by the Indonesian government to my home land for around 40 days, here at Sendai city, everything has got back to normal.

Well, Japanese...I salute you...!

Always Ganbarre Sendai, Ganbarre Miyagi, Ganbarre Tohoku, Ganbarre Japan!

**They even say thanks to all the International people...ooh..tears...

My 'step' sensei

I don't mean to be mean by calling one of my Professor as my 'step' sensei. He is the Prof of the next lab actually, but he also the man in charge of my international program, Human Security. So I have two Professors here, first is my Professor, himself, the head of my lab who also take a role as my first thesis supervisor. And the second is my 'step' sensei as I mentioned before, my second thesis supervisor. Both are kind to me, but when it comes to the 'study things', my step sensei is just so frightening, huaaa.... I always feel that Im the dumbest person in the world *drama queen* after I discuss with him. And it's just like what I feel now, I feel like I want to drown my head in the ground, feel nothing and useless. Ooooh, am I really that dumb?

Though I do understand what have he done is for my own best, but it's still feel so irritating. Like always, I need much time to find my feet again after talking to him. It 's just like now, seems that I just need some extra good sleep, and next I will face the mess to fix it.

Ganbarimasu...keep on learning, coz life is a never ending learning, right? *mencoba senyum2

My spirit

Now is such a harsh time, and I almost loose my faith.

Uncoincidenly heard this song from my playlist, and It just reminds me, that Allah the Almighty will always be there for me, taking care of me, and never let me down.

Insha Allah, I will find my way...

Amiin...

Allah is with me, and there would be no stuck way...

courtessy of www.youtube.com via @awakeningrecords

Time

Death is certain, we're just don't know when it'll be.

Please, use our time wisely..

Compared to money, time is much more precious, but most people are more careful in spending their money than spending their time..why?

*note and question to my self

video courtessy of www.youtube.com @obaid7400

Feel so sorry

This morning (errr, not really morning actually, since I went to bad after I did my Subuh pray, ouch!), I woke up because a text alerted my mobile. The text was asking whether I am able or not doing something (I could not figure out the detail, my apalogy). Since the first I got the text, I keep thinking on the request, but still it ended up with my objection. Thus, I say sorry since I can't make it.

Well it's ok then, it ends right there, the requester understood, but it's just me who feels uncomfortable becuse I said no. Whoaa...and this feeling is like killing me now...-:((

Si Mbak Parti

Well, ok..a lil bit weird in title, but trust me, I wont write about 'Mbak Parti' (who is she anyway?-:p), coz in this post I will write my 'party' experience. If I might say, I'm not a kind of party girl, not even such party there back home (read: wedding party). I dont know why, I just feel unconfortable with the crowd. If I go to the wedding party, it means, that it's a special one, like my best friend wedding or just simply I have to come. Though if I have to choose, I defintely prefer not to go.

Unfortunately, in here I have to face kind of 'worse party than just wedding party'. Well it's not really that bad actually, but compared to those parties back home, I could say that it is (sorry) worse. Why worse? First, sometime I only have limited kind of food that could be eaten. And some people are just so curious why I can't eat this and that, blabla. The thing that they know is I am forbidden to eat pork and drink alcohol, that's all. It seems that they don't really get why I could not also eat beef and chicken though Ive already explained. Once my friend had asked someone who in charge of a party, he asked to serve the halalan food and as I predicted before, they could not provide halalan food (ya iyalah...bletak!). Then I just asked them to provide seafood.

Second is communication problem. Yaya,it's just me, who is so silly, living in Japan but could not speak and understand Japanese, hoho.. Thus I could not enjoy the party since Im lonely-:(. FYI, last semester, in my lab I am the only international student who uses English as my primary language, and the other students could not speak English well. There are also several international students, but they are Korean and Chinese who use Japanese as their primary language here, too bad! And another additional reason, I simply dont like seeing people get drunk, because I'm not used to see drunk people.

Unfortunately, I could not escape from attending a party. My senior said that for Japanese, party is important. If you don't come it will mean: 1) for sensei and senior, you are not respecting them; 2) for your friends, you don't want to play with them; and 3) for the juniors, you are ignoring them. So that, I always try to come, though it's torturing.. *drama queen*. But anyway, once I have a nice party here. It's a party at my program, Human Security. It's nice, since the majority food served is seafood, and all the students are foreigners, so we communicated in Englis, yeaaahh...-:). Oooh, how I do hope that there weren't a party that should be attended...again-:)).

My favourite match!

Yeeaayyy.. combination of blue and pink is a perfect match for me. Love it! And it's just so me..-:D.

Too bad, because of the light, the sweet motif of my white dress could not be captured well, fyi, it's flowerish blue and pink eniwei.

Iseng

Skype-an malam minggu kemaren, out of nowhere pengen aja ngerjain Dad, haha..gotcha!

Me: Pak, boleh gag aku pacaran sama bukan orang Indonesia?

Dad: Hah? (spechless, muka bingung)
(setelah jeda sesaat) Nggak boleh, masak beda agamanya!

Me: Yeee..muslim juga koook..

Dad: (muka bingung, jeda lama) Tetep nggak boleh ah, kayak nggak ada orang Indonesia aja!

Me: (nggak puas) Yeee, emang nggak ada! (keukeuh)

Yayaya...the thing is, I know that my Dad wont allow me..ouuucchhh! Yang jelas kata Mas Widi, Dad baru dapet pertanyaan gila dari saya tentang ini aja udah pucet pasi, gimana ujug2 saya tenteng tu lelaki luar negeri..?

Deadly questions!

Pertanyaan 'how old are you?' adalah pertanyaan yg bikin saya 'males'. Kalau yg nanya orang2 yg bisa eigo,saya biasanya jawab: 'nonono..dont want to tell you' ato 'Ive stopped counting my age'. Tapi yang jadi bikin ribet kalo yg nanya org Jepang yg gag bisa eigo,duh!

Ada kalanya di basu noriba eyang2 di sini sering ngajak saya ngobrol. Dimulai dari 'dochira ga okuni wa?' (dari negara mana asalnya?) blablabla, sampai akhirnya keluar juga pertanyaan yg saya gag suka itu: 'nan sai desu ka?' (how old are you?). Mau bilang kalo gag mau jawab,bingung ngomongnya gimana. Yaudahlah,jadi seringnya saya jawab aja. Reaksi mereka begitu tau umur saya selalu kaget..'hee...honto ni..?' (ah, yang bener?) oke,I take it as a compliment,secara mereka selalu mengira umur saya ni ju yon (24) ato ni ju go (25) . Ini rasanya seperti dibawa terbang tinggi gitu..

Tapiiii... pertanyaan sesudahnya,paling bikin mules: 'kekkonshimashitaka?' (sudah menikah?). Dan begitu mendengar jawaban saya mereka akan bilang hal yang sama 'heee...honto ni?', tapi nadanya bikin saya ngerasa mendadak dijatuhin dari tempat tinggi pas saya terbang tadi.

Duh..dua pertanyaan ini beneran pertanyaan maut buat saya..not likey much deh! And please,dont ask me the same question!

Tentang niat..

Tiba2 saya ingin menulis ttg 'niat' ini. Well,simple thought krn saya tb2 sadar akan 'kedodolan' saya di masa lalu. First thing first, tulisan ini dibuat bukan krn saya ingin menggurui atau apa,tapi hanya ingin sekedar berbagi cerita. Dan karena saya muslim,maka tool yg kebetulan menekan tombol2 kesadaran saya ini adalah salah satu guidance-nya muslim.Jadi,bukan krn saya 'sok' pious or whatever it's name ya.

Ini semua berawal dari 'reminder' seseorang akan keutamaan mempelajari 'hadist', dasar2 hukumnya Islam selain AlQuran tentunya. To be honest,saya blm pernah membuka buku2 hadist untuk sengaja mempelajarinya. Kalau saya ingin tau sesuatu,saya lebih suka 'BERTANYA' dan malas untuk 'MEMBACA' sendiri buku2 kumpulan hadist-nya Dad di rumah,alasannya sih krn saya nggak familiar dan blablablayadayada..padahal emang lebih enak untuk nanya..gag ribet dan langsung dapet jawaban.

Sampai akhirnya saya tau keutamaan menghafal hadist,jadi terpacu buat mulai buka2 dan mempelajarinya dengan bener. Dan saya mulai dari hadist ArBain. Ternyata di kumpulan hadist ArBain,hadist pertama adalah ttg niat. Simple hadist yg sering banget kita denger kalimat pertamanya,even the cupu me,udah sering banget denger hadist itu. Tapi waktu baca lagi kemaren, it took a moment to land again. Saya seperti ditampar dan mempertanyakan apa niat awal saya ada di sini (Sendai).

It took time to find an answer. After the journey of my past, saya akhirnya nemu beberapa 'niat' yg mewarnai perjuangan saya untuk sekolah lagi, and oh crap..semuanya 'sangat dunia',well I am a human though. Tapi in the end, saya jadi ngerasa sayang sama waktu yang udah saya buang, sepertinya I need to renew my 'niat' niy.

Kesadaran untuk merenew niat ini bikin saya bingung juga,apa ya bagusnya..? *sounds silly,but that's me. Saya sampai nge-WhatsApp si twinnie yg lagi dines di Surabaya buat diskusi *yeah I know,it sounds too much. Tapi sesudahnya saya merasa plooong. Ive found it..

Dan semua perenungan ini bikin saya mikir banyak hal. Sekolah, emang harusnya diniatin buat belajar aja. We learn to make us more knowledgeable,bukan buat proving kalau kita itu nggak kalah sama si A,atau supaya dapet label 'better than others' (note to self). Banyak orang yg di tengah perjalanan kuliahnya mulai putus asa dan takut gagal (so do I),mungkin perlu think back their 'niat'.Kita ada di sini bukan buat ngedapetin what's so called others' admission kan,mungkin itu juga bisa bikin beban kita sedikit lebih ringan,we dont need to proove. It's just us,who are willing to learn..karena belajar juga ibadah kan..

Dan di setiap langkah saya,untuk seterusnya,seharusnya saya mulai serius menetapkan hati saya dari awal: 'niat lo apa In'?. I do believe,itu akan membuat saya merasa lebih 'tenang'.

"Sesungguhnya setiap perbuatan itu tergantung niatnya. Dan susungguhnya setiap orang akan mendapat balasan seperti apa yang dia niatkan. Sesungguhnya seseorang yang berhijrah karena ingin mendapatkan keridhaan Allah SWT dan Rasul-Nya,maka hijrahnya kepada keridaan Allah SWT dan Rasul-Nya. Dan sesungguhnya seseorang yang berhijrah karena ingin mendapatkan kehidupan yang lebih layak di dunia atau karena wanita yang ingin dinikahinya, sesungguhnya hijrahnya akan bernilai seperti apa yang dia niatkan (hadist pertama,kumpulan hadist ArBain,as I remember ya tapinya..maaf kalau ada salah edisi..)

Poooorfect!

Lately milis saya di kumpulan temen2 EAP Jakarta lagi rame nanggepin curhatan salah seorang member yang sekolah di NZ. Intinya sih,dia mulai despert dng sistem kuliaj di sana yg pelit bgt nilainya,padahal as master student by research, ada target nilai tertentu yg harus dicapai baru bisa nerusin research di tahun ke dua (senangkepnya saya sih gitu,soalnya gag tlalu ngerti sama sistem di NZ).

Temen saya ini mulai kepikiran takut gag nyampe target dan 'merasa' kalo dia bakal failed gag bisa nerusin ke taun kedua, which means gagal jadi master.

Tadi saya ikutan komen..as I know her so much.. (we're almost alike somehow), saya bisa ngerti banget perasaan dia. Perasaan takut gagal,takut ngecewain orang tua, bla3...dan yg paling parah adalah perasaan bahwa kita 'kalah'. Been there..dan pertama kali ngerasa seperti ini, it took years to accept.

Gagal yg selanjutnya,butuh waktu yg lebih pendek sih,even gag bisa dibilang cepet recoverynya. Somehow,I do realize kalo saya itu terlalu push myself too much,apa2 mau serba sempurna,bukan berarti saya mau jadi 'yg paling', no..dlm hal ini saya cuma pengen mencapai apa yg udah saya 'targetin', saya gag pernah memasukan 'pihak kedua' dlm urusan yg satu ini, it's only just me. Daaan lately, I feel like I am better. Saya udah bisa nerima kalo I could not always get what I want, I just have to do the best..and no need to be perfect.

Jadilah tadi saya sok2an ngemeng ttg berdamai dng diri sendirilah, ttg how to downgrade our expectation lah..sok wise bgt pokoknya, tapi gag lama dpt imel kalo 2 nilai yg blm keluar akhirnya dirilis juga dan udah bisa dicek. Langsung buka buru2 pake deg2an...dan ternyata 1 nilai gag sesuai ekspetasi dong.. Dan jeleknya saya bt seketika. Lupa sama 'ngemeng2' yg barusan itu.

Ternyata susah untuk sekedar selalu percaya kalo:

'Being happy doesn't always mean having everything be perfect!'
*note to self

Location:１丁目,Sendai,Japan

Being alone..

Never thought that living here will be so difficult. Pertama kali 'tau' kalo my nexy

destination adalah Sendai,temen2 baik saya di Malang sempat mengkhawatirkan saya. MomDad mo,begitu tau dng 'siapa' saya akan 'menghabiskan' banyak waktu nanti di Sendai. Even me at that time too,tapi gag tau knp,Im so optimistic that everything is gonna be okay.

At first,there's no complain,tapi lately..I have many. Entah saya yang jadi lebih sensitif atau emang saya yang udah beneran 'fed up'. And now I know what is loneliness.

Somehow,this loneliness is killing me,but somehow..it's making me realized that...I'll never be alone..Allah is there..always be there and guiding me...

Location:Sendai,Japan

Tentang si jarum pentul

Out of nowhere, waktu lagi wudhu tadi keinget aja komen orang2 sini setiap ngeliat saya jarak dekat, daijoubu desu ka? Begitu selalu mereka bilang sambil nunjuk2 kepala saya yang etlis ada 3 jarum pentul nempel. huahaha..gag tau aja...saya sakti:p *lebay*. Saya cuma bisa bilang, daijoubu desu, even sebenernya pengen ngejelasin, kalo jarum pentulnya itu gag kena kepala saya, tapi gag bisa ngomongnya. -___-, ya sudahlah, hope they`ll understand;p.

Miss parno

Satu pengakuan yang mau saya tulis di sini. Saya ini parno-an alias paranoid kalau ada orang2 yang saya sayang jauh dari saya, tapi karena saya sekarang emang lagi jauh banget dari mereka (in distance term), jadi lebih tepatnya saya parno kalo mereka sedang tidak di rumah, whic is tempat teraman menurut saya. Jadi kalau salah satu dari MomDadMbDek ada yg mau pergi pasti saya kepikiran geje. Kalau mereka sedang dalam perjalanan (jalan darat), bisa dipastikan sms/telepon saya pasti akan memborbardir mereka untuk sekedar bertanya: udah sampai mana? Sangat nggak penting dan ganggu banget.

Rasa ini menyergap lagi mulai beberapa minggu yang lalu, setelah saya menyadari waktu keberangkatan MomDan semakin dekat. Dan hari Kamis kemarin, semakin menjadi karena beliau berdua akan berangkat Jumat pagi. Kacau, kepikiran, parno, campur aduk nggak jelas. Saya curhat ke beberapa teman dekat tentang apa yg saya rasa dengan maksut untuk sedikit membuat plong, ternyata memang nggak semua orang 'mengerti' apa yang saya rasa *yaiyalah parno mau dingertiin*. Jadi advice seperti 'udah nggak apa2, doain aja' rasanya nggak mempan. Tetep aja saya nggak tenang. Saya baru tenang, kalau saya ada bersama mereka. Analisa saya sih, saya terlalu sayang sama mereka semua dan sangat takut kehilangan which in the end jadi bikin saya parnoan. Well I do know, our beloved ones itu titipan Allah, tapi membayangkan untuk kehilangan mereka aja udah bikin saya sangat amat tidak nyaman.

Dan out of nowhere, sekarang saya malah kepikiran sama Star Wars episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. Saya inget banget di episode ini Master Yoda bilang: ' A fear of loss is a path to the Dark Side, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.' Ada yang udah nonton episode ini? Kalau dah nonton pasti ngeh banget dengan kata2nya Master Yoda ini. Intinya sih, ketakutan Anakin Skywalker kehilangan istrinya, Padme Amidala, membuat dia dekat dengan 'Dark Force'. Karena si Dark Lord mempengaruhi dia kalau Dark Force bisa mencegah kematian meaning mereka abadi *e, gue jadi inget Voldemort juga inih*, yang in the end bisa menjaga orang2 yang mereka sayang jadi immortal juga. Di akhir pilem Anakin beneran kebawa ke Dark Force dan ngebunuhin semua orang tak berdosa buat ngumpulin 'dark force' di dalem dirinya dan dia berubah jadi Dart Vader, tangan kanannya Dark Lord *episod ini sedih bener dah*.

Wew, segitu dahsyatnya ya kekuatan 'ketakutan akan kehilangan' kalo nggak under good control. Mungkin saya harus lebih belajar ikhlas dalam menjalani hidup ini, meskipun saya juga sangat sangat berdoa supaya Allah selalu menjaga orang2 tercinta saya.

Yesterday's syndrome

Got 'I have nothing to wear' syndrome yesterday, but thank God, I got an idea in the last minutes. Not bad la yaa...hopefully...